Monday, May 11, 2015

In the mood to have a baby... or not

So, I'm at that age.  You know the age.  The age where people start commenting on how many viable eggs you might have left.  The age where you look around and realize that all the impediments (school, mostly, but also money) have been removed, and, yeah... it looks like it's about time.  But is it?


I'm not ready for this!  Or am I?

I think that on any given day, I have the following thoughts/feelings:

  • I 100% want to have kids in general.  Someday.
  • Or maybe it's 75%?  Would it really be the end of the world to not have kids?
  • No, I definitely want kids.  At some point.
  • I WANT A BABY NOW.
  • Ew, babies are gross.  Motherhood is gross.  Bodies are gross.  Pooping on the delivery room table is gross.  
  • But... yeah, I want a kid.  Just not today.
  • But shouldn't we just start trying?  Because you never know?
  • Jesus, what if I can't get pregnant?
  • Maybe I should do some research.
  • RESEARCHING FERTILITY IS TERRIBLE.  DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
  • Oh God, we definitely should start "trying."
  • Ew, that phrase is gross.
  • But Brian's going to be an awesome dad.  I can't wait to see that.
  • He's going to be a total pushover.  I hope we have a girl who has his curly hair.  She's going to hate me for that.
  • Ew, soccer games.  Helicopter parenting.  Peanut allergies.  Rice cereal.
  • Well, I am NOT going to do all of that shit.  I am going to be the coolest parent.  None of that hyper-anxious bullshit for me.  
  • Should I read one of those books?  Should I change my diet?  Ugh, whatever.  I'm cool the way I am, I don't need to prep for pregnancy.  Hell, let's just do this.
  • Ugh, I won't be able to take my precious meds.  My asthma is going to freak out.  
  • [After reading blog posts about babies, looking at pictures of babies, seeing babies out in the world] Awwwww, I want a baby.
  • I haven't gotten pregnant yet, even though we're not trying.  That definitely probably means that I can't get pregnant at all.
  • But holy shit, health insurance!  My job!  My husband doesn't have a job yet!  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?
  • Seriously, how am I supposed to both work and have children?
  • Why can't I just quit my job?  I'll be a mommy blogger and spend my copious free time renovating my house, cooking gorgeous, healthy meals, and generally being fabulous.  I'll go to the gym every day and I'll have a rockin' bod and a beautiful house.
  • Ugh.  That's not real.  Besides, I make good money.  I can't afford not to work and ain't nobody gonna pay me to blog.  Or go to the gym.
  • I want a puppy.  Or a tiny pink pig!
  • Would it be overkill to have a baby and get a puppy?  
  • Nursery decorating!
  • I'm definitely ready.  We should just start trying now.
  • But...
So, yeah.  I think I'm 100% certain that I'm ready to get pregnant about 30% of the time.  So does the fact that I still am not 100% certain 100% of the time mean I should wait?  Or, does the fact that I have moments of 100% certainty mean I'm ready, because it's never a perfect time, etc.?

Blerg.

It's all going to make sense at some point.  I'll have this sweet little narrative about how I was so uncertain, and then something happened, and I became certain.  Or whatever.  But for now, the whole thing grosses me out/ fascinates me/ I can't wait/ never/ ew!


Source. (Pinterest - original source unknown.)

Are you ever really ready?  How close to "ready" do you have to come before you know you're ready?  Why do I keep repeating myself?  Is it better to just get knocked up and figure it out later?

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